Ok, so…

 I’ve tried this whole iPod “shuffle” thing…more than once. 

 And, well. 

 I’m beginning to get to the point where I have a bone to pick with those boys down in Cupertino…and wherever else they work.  (More on that later.)

 Here’s my beef.

 I’m thinking to myself, “I’ve got 2,000 songs on my iPod.  It’s not huge, but, if I do say so myself, it’s pretty substantial.”  (I have been known to say that to myself from time to time.)

 So.  How may I best enjoy the bounty of this musical cornucopia?  Well, I’ve heard a lot of loose talk about this “shuffle” technology. 

 Maybe, I should check that out.

 And so, I do.

 And, yes, a series of songs play.  These songs are not a playlist that I have spent an afternoon, and a bottle of adult nourishment, worrying over. 

 No.  This is a “random” collection of the songs on my iPod that the boys in Cupertino have magically strung together for my enjoyment.

 In fact, I thought that it was quite nice, except for that one song, from some disc that I bought long ago, that got played.  Some Hawaiian song by Danny Kaleikini.

 I know.   You’ve never heard of him.

 And even if you had, you might be tempted to observe, that, “well, ok, so his music is ‘all right’, as far as that goes, but… it’s not the greatest example of the Hawaiian musical genre.”

 Fair enough.  I get it.

 I agree, even.

 I only bought the damn thing because some chick, whose name I don’t remember, liked him insanely, and I figured, “what the hell, it can’t hurt to have this Hawaiian music thing playing on the stereo.”

 It’s not like I was super into him or anything, I was just trying to improve my chances, so to speak.  (I know. I was young…)

 Anyhow, suffice it to say that I’m no Danny Kaleikini freak.

 Fair enough.  It came up on “shuffle.”  Fine.  Brought back some memories, yada yada.  I think no more about it.

 Then, I “shuffled” again.

 And low and behold.  What do I hear?

 I won’t make you guess. 

 Danny Kaleikini.


 Coincidences happen.  They do.  I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.

 One time my ex was looking through one of my photo albums (yes I have some, haters) and she asked me about a particularly attractive girl that I was “loving on” in one of the pictures.

“Who is that?”

“Brandy.  She’s a girl I used to date.”


“Hmm, what?”


And then, not shit, swear to God, the next day while I’m at the Home Depot, buying cement, or something, this same girl takes a walk down memory lane and decides to call the house out of the blue.

 Hadn’t talked to her in years.  Seriously.

But she gets the ex, who, well, not to put too fine a point on it, is not pleased.

 We have a “talk” about it later.

 Big fun.

 (Brandy found me on FB, no doubt.  Changed the number to my cell immediately, just saying.)

 So, I’m aware that coincidences do, in fact, happen.  But, I digress…

 Then I “shuffle” again. 

 And again.

 And again.

 Guess who pops up …every ….single… time….

Wait for it.

 Danny Kaleikini.

 So.  I start thinking.  “What is this whole shuffle technology business anyhow?”  (My mind is often consumed with important questions like these…)

 Is this some sort of “payola” deal like the Rolling Stone made such a fuss about years ago?

 Or something much more sinister. Something that is so ugly and horrifying that I’m reluctant to even talk about it with you, my friends.

 I know that this might sound crazy.  But, hear me out.

 Could it be that this “shuffle” technology is really not “random” after all?

 Could it be that there is actually somebody, somewhere, who is “percolating” their favorite songs to the top of EVERYONE’S “shuffle” playlists?

 Is there a Danny Kaleikini freak living in Bangalore, or Mumbai, or some other god-forsaken-lets-get-our-Jai Ho-on-kind-of-musical-nightmare-of-a-troll,  that is forcing upon me, an innocent music lover, his or her deviant musical fetishes?

 It makes me want to take a shower.

 It is so dirty.

 Last night, I accidentally did something.  I tried to play an album, but I guess that I pushed the wrong buttons or something, because I ended up playing all of the “L” songs on my iPod, in alphabetical order.

 It.   Was.   Wonderful.

 Sure the transitions left a little to be desired.  Dinah Washington to Funky Porchini to Fitty Cent to Frank.  But what the hell.  It was lovely.

And no Danny Kaleikini.

 So, from now on, there will be no more “shuffle.”

 I shall play my iPod on all songs, alphabetically. 

 Tomorrow may be “M” day.  The next, “J” day.

 We shall listen to all of the “letter” songs in alphabetical order. 

 I want to hear my stuff.  Not what some cubicle-jockey in Bangalore thinks is groovy.

 So, the transitions will be sub-prime.  I.  Don’t.  Care.

 At least, I’ll get to hear all of my music.  Every song of which has special meaning for me….except for that Danny Kaleikini business.

And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can put their buds in and groove on whatever Cupertino, or some deviant Kaleikini freak in New Delhi, approves of.

This entry was published on June 25, 2014 at 12:12 am and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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